pain

how can one measure how happy she is? is there such thing as a happinamomiter??
how can one test the waters first? going to the middle of nowhere to try and see if one can survive there without going crimminally insane. how long should the test go for? a weekend? a week? 2? how much time and money has to be used before one can find out if it is practically good?!?!?!?!?
doubts doubts doubts! thats all thats going though my mind atm, thats all i can think of(besides a few small little key notes) being able to aford to do what one wants and being able to become anything i like, or staying with the family out of saddness and not wanting to make anyone upset?
what is one to do when one is torn between to great loves? her dreams and her family?
being young and able to ajust to things quite well is good if it was just me going, because then i would be able to come back home if i was to not like it, but what if we were to allpick up and go? there would be no home to back to?...
if i was able to get a job and study and do the whole bit bymyself i would try it out for a while. but then again, where would i live? i can hardly aford a tent let alone to buy a house, or rent...and who would i rent with? i dont know anyone, and if i were to somehow convice the bestie to move along with me, is it possible to even think about moving with her, when i cant even stay in same room as her for more then 10min.