Wednesday, 28 December 2011

feelings out

Lately ive been questioning weather i am ready/able to be in a relationship again, i think about not being alone and having someone special tospend my time with and that makes me happy, but then something always clicks and i feel like i am not good enough for anyone....i always feel like i do not deserve to be happy or have fun with someone, i feel guilty.....i think about a loved one who passed away so young and left his adoring wife behind, and i think its not fair for me to be happy when she isnt....i dont know what to do anymore...
I have grown into someone new, Which in certin areas i am proud of myself in,
Eg: i can now look in the mirror and not be repulsed, i now can look at myself and think/say “I look good, i am young, energectic, and not obeese or anerxioc” i am actualy happy to look at myself in shop mirrors and try stuff on, whenbefore i wouldnt try anything on. id just buy it straight away without knowning if it looked good n me or not.
so for that i am proud...
although the costant feeling of not being good enough drives me nuts!

Ive been talking to someone i met somewhere where i shall keep to myself for now.....we have talked for about a week or two online and we have so much in common, well in my eyes we do.....he seems like an amazing person but i have the same thoughts of that he will turn mean or he will suddenly lose interest in me once we see each other face to face, im actually terrifyed he will!! i tryed not to be interested in him in hopes to trick my own mind, but after talking and having long convosations about important things in the world and different beliefs, and having fun and enjoyment in comming onto my computer to cheak my emails, it makes me happy, which is bad, idont want to be happy incase he makes me unpappy and it hurts :(

he made a comment to me week ago, that he used to be bullied about the way he looks and things, but from what i see of him, i dont see how anyone could pass judgement, he is a cute guy and not to meantion has a personalitly that is cool :) aghhhhh im doing it again! see? i talk nice and sweet about him, or i think about him and i get excited and happy, yet still scrared at same time that he will not feel the same after we eventually go out...

Im not much to look at, im an adverage female, blonde hair + blue eyes, i am more of a loner then of a social person.....Actually i take that back, when it comes to being online and talking with people i know im very social, in person i am not, i get very very shy........

aghhh i need help

No comments:

Post a Comment